Depression and Suicide

[freedom4all]

I'm looking forward to winter cause I can garden but I'm looking forward to spring cause then I won't be all alone and can garden legally

 

[G.Leave]

@freedom4all
I used to have a normal life, many friends, a decent job until one day 12 years ago I had an upper spine accident at work, and it was a serious accident which resulted in heavy 24/7 chronic pain, insomnia and eventually after a couple of years severe depression. All the while fighting a system that's meant to help injured workers in our country.
Shortly after that i'd become isolated from friends and family, and was on all kinds of pharma medications prescribed by the many doctors and specialists I had seen. For a few years this went on and finally the descision on my injury file was done(7 years it took) and even though I had 6 different doctors/specialists on my side the system is geared to screw you and they did. I got zero compensation for my injury, and my life was feeling like it should just end. Its been a long decade, but ive since met some cool like minded people and have started doing everything I physically can to grow our own food. Even though I have no money(minimal money made online) and cannot drive, I have found a great strong lady to be my wife. There is someone out there for you man, but you wont find her at home. The more you do the better you'll feel.
Great you gave up booze and are going with the canna. Its much better for you, and it can be excellent for social skills on the right strain choices especially with like minded people. These days I still only make a bit of cash online, but I do enjoy the creative expression in the things I make and sell. Ive been doing more physical stuff to try to somewhat overcome my neck injury and have been able to do more gardening which helps. Ive been able to overcome it enough to enjoy things I used to enjoy like fishing and even blast large calibre guns!
Hope some of this helps you to see that all is not lost bud....I have seen this thread and have been contemplating posting on it, but after seeing freedoms post I had to throw up my story.
Good luck guys...I hope it all works out for all of you. Most importantly....find the right strain for you. Find the right strain and you wont give a shit about peoples opinions, anxiety will drift away because you will be in a happy place!

 

[F.N.]

There is a lot of lonely women out there bro beautiful women too. A life partner will come your way freedom4all.I quit alcohol and hard drugs 11 years ago since then there is nothing I cannot accomplish when i put my mind to it. The twenties can be rough learning curve take care bro

 

[freedom4all]

Thanks 912 that is really insperational brother. I just don't get why me a smart self educated ass busting man keeps just getting rejected not just by women but damn near everyone. And then when I do find a woman that's worth a dang she cheats on me maybe it's just the Midwest but ugh I'm so sick of feeling alone I'm glad I have you guys here I'm not trying to be a downer it's just really bad tonight I wish we could have a member link up cause I sure could use some meds about now :/ lol sadly that's a few months off provided the beans I got going pop and are female

Fairly new I just don't see it lol women want a guy with money and a nice truck and yes I have been told that to my face after hiking 16 miles in the middle of a summer to see a woman I liked walking over that freeway bridge on the way home that day was really hard but some how I did it

 

[freedom4all]

Would be pretty awesome to find a nice woman that just would sit back and be supportive ya know maybe once I get to California but idk

 

[TimTaylor]

Thanks 912 that is really insperational brother. I just don't get why me a smart self educated ass busting man keeps just getting rejected not just by women but damn near everyone. And then when I do find a woman that's worth a dang she cheats on me maybe it's just the Midwest but ugh I'm so sick of feeling alone I'm glad I have you guys here I'm not trying to be a downer it's just really bad tonight I wish we could have a member link up cause I sure could use some meds about now :/ lol sadly that's a few months off provided the beans I got going pop and are female

Fairly new I just don't see it lol women want a guy with money and a nice truck and yes I have been told that to my face after hiking 16 miles in the middle of a summer to see a woman I liked walking over that freeway bridge on the way home that day was really hard but some how I did it

In the long run brother, any woman that cant see the good qualities in you or cant appreciate you enough to remain loyal is not somebody you want in your life. I've been there, all through my 20's single bar 1 or two relationships i was in to prove to myself and my friends i was normal i guess but. Then i started to find myself, Along came a girl out of the blue. I wasnt looking for anyone she was just a a friend of a friend and we hit it off, i fell for her and we were great, Then we broke up and i was lost.
It took time and i suffered serious depression with being away from home too. But a few years on im happy with who I am. I'm still single but im ok with it because im happy with myself. Not all women think that way my friend.
I guess what im trying to say is you need to be happy with yourself and women will see that, you will find one that see's past the exterior and love YOU. You just need to let it happen and not stress about it. Focus your energy on positive things.


Rambling and medicated but sending karma your way mate, Stay strong. Theres always great people on here to chat and lots to read, dont ever feel that you dont have people looking out for you.

 

[freedom4all]

Thanks man yeah all my co workers at my part time gig (literally made 40 bucks in july) all talk shit that I must be gay cause every time a cute girl comes in the store they flock and I'm just like grow up lol I never knew having manors and respect meant you were gay. These are all guys that are married or have girlfriends lol its like wow you low life's haha

I guess I'd be more happy with myself though if I actually made enough money to live. Sadly my passed job had messed me up pretty good in terms of ptsd and such but also when you put security contracting companies down on a job app people freak I literally got told that my mental stability would come into question it's like wow I spend 8 years putting my life on the line for yall and that's the thanks I get

Like I said getting beat down at every turn

 

[dankstyle J]

Life is UPS and downs mine sure hasn't been easy but if you hang in there it will work out life isn't over till you stop living

 

[freedom4all]

I'm trying to keep going man

 

[Kakarot]

WoW was reading these, I have a similar situation. I have something they call Medulla Sponge Kidney with Stones, Basically I form kidney stones and instead of not moving while they are in my kidneys they move and cut my kidneys to hell. It is so painful and uncomfortable, I constantly am urinating blood like srsly everyday, I pass at least 2 kidney stones per day and have about 6 to 7 lodged in my Kidneys at all times that are shredding them to bits. I went undiagnosed with this condition for about 4 years maybe longer, needless to say I was a shell of a person. I was taking enough Oxycodone to kill a horse (Am on a stable dose of 80mg per day now) they were wanting to take my prostate out and all kinds of stupid shit, excuse my language but that is what was and is.. I am only 31 you are not taking my prostate.. sorry. Any way I smoked all through HighSchool then I started gettin sick and dabbling in other drugs to try and get rid of pain that created a whole mess in it's self and I almost died numerous times. I have also had Sever Panic disorder for most of my life, since I was probably 13 in High School and when I was younger Herb fixed that and damn I smoked alot like srsly a QP a week after school ended it stopped helping with Panic and for some reason made it worse so I quit smoking... and went to the shrink and he gave me 1mg of Xanax 3x per day... That was probably 6 years ago and I still take 1mg 3x a day... anyways stuff started getting bad for me in terms of depression I sat alone in room for years in pain and in fear and seriously did not do shit except play WoW and breathe. I recently had a daughter, she is 2 now and she is my world and needless to say that when she was born that did not take my physical or emotional pain away, it helped tremendously but there was still something missing... I am not a big fan of Anti-Depressants so I always steered clear of them. So I thought you know what it has been like 9 years since I smoked to hell with it I am going to start smoking again and see what happens, so about 19 days ago for the first time in literally 9 years I got high and it was with Mohan Ram and it scared the hell out of me because it stripped everything away that had been built up emotionally all those years and finally let me be myself. It took me a few to get used to it again, I am still getting used to it as I branched out to YumBoldt as well I love the heavy Indo's, I just didn't want to smoke again though I wanted to grow to and the combo of just starting to grow/smoke and the connection to the plant in its self has done amazing spirit healing for me, and the physical and mental relief I get from smoking and growing now to came back to me and has seriously made a TREMENDOUS change in my life. The guy that got me on these forums and helped me to start growing and gave me the Mohan and the Boldt we have been friends since we were about 14, I am so thankful we started talking again and he was able to reintroduce me to smoking (the proper way) and is mentoring me in growing. I do not know why I am rambling but hopefully someone gets something from my story... Just do not give up IT WILL GET BETTER. Peace and Much LUV:dragon6: